TRIGGER ALERT: This post contains explicit information about domestic abuse.
In the re-awakening of the Rihanna/ Chris Brown controversy (if you’ve been living under a rock and don’t know what I’m talking about check this out) I decided to delve into a topic that may prove highly controversial: BDSM versus domestic violence. Right before the Grammy’s in 2009, Rihanna and Chris Brown got into a dispute that ended with Rihanna in the hospital. Chris Brown turned himself in to the LAPD a day later. He was soon released on a fifty thousand dollar bail and served no jail time. A year later Rihanna released the song S&M and the media outlets exploded again questioning if Rihanna was ever a victim!!!! For anyone who has seen the picture there should be no question in your mind or anyone else’s that the violence inflicted on her was real and left her traumatized. While critics raised questions over her past, they often tried to link it with other parts of her relationship with Chris Brown, including their intimacy. So, it was no surprise that with the release of the song S&M, which described Rihanna’s love of erotic play, specifically pain for pleasure, that critics would instantly begin questioning the validity of her as a victim.
The music video that accompanies the song added particular fuel to the fire by giving listeners a visual text to associate with the critics skepticism. The video shows many different BDSM scenes including power play, animal play, ropes, chains, latex and leather fun. These scenes are accompanied by lyrics like “The affliction of the feeling leaves me wanting more,” “Now the pain is my pleasure ’cause nothing could measure,” and “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me.” It is clear that Rihanna is describing consensual sexual interactions. BDSM, which is an acronym for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, is a type of sexual interaction in which consenting individuals participate in a variety of erotic practices for pleasure. These can include power play, service, role play, bondage, and pain and sensation play. The most important thing to understand about BDSM is that it is a safe, sane, and consensual practice that is accompanied by communication and trust in your partner(s). This means that playtime is never the time for individuals to punish their partner for real world offenses and all participants should be in a rational state of mind when participating in any BDSM play. Communication before, during, and after play is crucial to understanding your partner’s, or partners’, desires, pleasures, and pain tolerance. Participants have the opportunity to halt the scene at any time, if something goes wrong or they want to and every participant is “concerned with the needs, desires, and limits of others [Come Hither, Gloria Brame].”
What Rihanna described in her song is VERY different from what she experienced the night of February 7, 2009. Her then boyfriend, Chris Brown, pulled his car over in a neighborhood in LA after they attended a pre-Grammy party and began beating and choking Rihanna until she was unconscious. The police arrived to find her alone in the Hancock Park neighborhood with major contusions on both sides of her face, a split lip, bloody nose, black eye, and bite marks on one of her arms and several fingers [via TMZ.com]. The infamous picture that was leaked to the press was taken at the scene before Rihanna was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.
Abuse is defined as the systematic pattern of behaviors in a relationship used to gain and/or maintain power and control over another. This includes physical, emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse (which is non-consensual or forced). There is nothing pleasurable or sexy about abuse for a victim and the trauma lives long after the bruises and split lips heal.
If you’re still questioning the difference between BDSM and abuse, please check out the chart below.
BDSM has positive benefits for some victims of domestic violence when trying to deal with and overcome their trauma. Dr. Laura Berman advocates for BDSM for survivors saying, “The traumas we see and experience often make up our sexual template.” She describes how it is not uncommon for individuals with trauma history to find relief in “reenacting past traumas – but with a trusted partner who knows when to stop and understands the importance of boundaries.” I am not saying that this is what Rihanna is doing, nor am I saying that Rihanna the person, not the persona constructed by the record industry, actually enjoys BDSM in her private life. What I am saying is that BDSM is not abuse. And while Chris Brown got off with a light slap on the wrist for the abuse he inflicted on Rihanna, BDSM is still illegal in many parts of the United States with participants being arrested and jailed for consensual sex acts. If you think this is beyond ludicrous and want the government out of your bedroom check out what the awesome people at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom are doing and see how you can help in your local community. And check out the links below for more information on safe BDSM, where to get some kinky toys, and more info on abusive relationships and where to find help.
To find some great toys to get your safe, consensual, freak on check out NiteTimeToys’ fetish products.
For more information about the basics of safe BDSM play check this out
For more information on BDSM for trauma victims click here
If you think you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship check out this site for more details and contact your local domestic abuse shelter.
Play Safe!
XOXO Kayla
